Fly Naked

Willard W. Samuel

During a layover in Atlanta last week, I let my mind wander as I watched people come and go. Having been randomly selected for a detailed screening at the gate at my prior stop, airport security was fresh in my mind. From where I sat, I could see behind the partition they were using to create the impromptu screening area at gate D32.

I watched people empty their pockets and take off their shoes. Arms outstretched like the airplanes behind them, they patiently allowed the screener to wave the magic, beeping wand around them. BEEP, wristwatch, OK. BEEP, belt buckle, OK. BEEP, steel plate in head, OK. Keys, cell phones, and handheld computers sat unexamined in a plastic bowl. Once swept by the wand, the traveler was free to board the plane.

My mind wandered toward the many ways someone could comfortably circumvent the current screening procedures. One lady was wearing shoes with soles so thick that, were they made of explosives, several airplanes could be brought down. The screener made her take them off and then peered into them looking, I suppose, for dangerously sharp toenail clippings.

Travelers may not carry on nail clippers, pocket knives, knitting needles, or anything else slightly sharp. Keys, however, are OK. How hard, I thought, would it be to make a very sharp thing look like a key? What about a very sharp credit card? If one carried on a kite kit, could he not threaten to put out someone’s eye with the sticks?

The man next to me was carrying on one of those wheeled garment bags that looked like it could hold a week’s worth of clothes. What manner of subtly disguised mischief might he have in there? A plastic picnic knife? Pepper spray in a shaving cream can?

By the time my flight was ready to board, any sense of security that had been created by the X-ray machine and magic wand had evaporated. I walked down the aisle of the plane looking nervously at purses, diaper bags, computer cases, garment bags, and bulging pockets. Hundreds, no, probably thousands of possible implements of terror were obviously available to anyone who knew where to look.

The fatal flaw of airport screening is the presumption that terrorists will be deterred by the thought that they might be randomly selected and caught with the tools of their trade. My observations convinced me that they need not have that fear. They only need to be slightly more clever than the man or woman with the wand. The screener is working for a little more than minimum wage. The terrorist is working for eternal justice and glory. Which one do you think is more motivated?

It seems to me that there are only two rational solutions. We either go back to the old screening process, which was good enough to deter hijackers for many years (I mean all the way back to when there was a real chance that there was an armed sky marshal on board any given flight), or we have to be absolutely sure that nobody is able to board an airplane and take it over. Since politicians never, ever go backward, we are left with the second option.

There is a way to be perfectly safe from airborne terrorists: fly naked. Under my plan, travelers would go to a small cubicle next to the gate and put all of their belongings, including every stitch of clothing, into a bin labeled with their seat number. They would then board the plane along with all of the other naked passengers. Their belongings, along with their luggage, would be towed behind the plane in a glider. That way, if someone hid a bomb in their bag, they would only be blowing up other people’s bags.

When I first developed this plan, I thought it would be OK for the flight attendants to keep their clothes. After all, it is possible to avoid looking at other passengers but you must pay close attention to him or her who controls the peanuts. After thinking about it for a while, though, it became obvious that the risk of someone holding the attendant hostage with her own lapel pin was too great. They, too, must wear nothing. Earrings and other piercing jewelry must also be banned.

There are also too many potential weapons associated with in-flight food and beverage service. A coffee pot could be shattered and used to threaten someone. All of those plastic utensils are just waiting for someone to pounce upon them and wield them against a hapless passenger. The plastic wrapper, although formidable, is not enough of a deterrent to provide absolute safety. Thus, all food service would have to be suspended.

Of course some accommodations would have to be made. First class seats, for instance, might need to be reupholstered in fabric rather than leather. Sweaty, naked people, even of the first class variety, and leather do not mix. Pilots, since they remain behind locked doors now, would be allowed to wear clothes unless they wanted to go naked in order to show solidarity with the rest of the plane.

There you have it: a terrorist-proof plan for airline security. I promise not to rest on my laurels. Next, I will turn my attention to protecting us from terrorist attacks at shopping malls. If we all shop naked…

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Willard Samuel is an Adjunct Scholar at Frontiers of Freedom, a non-profit, non-partisan public policy institute dedicated to protecting the constitutional rights of all Americans and restoring constitutional limits on the extent and power of government.

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