January 16, 2003 -- Ron Mwangaguhunga: The Democratic Aviary: A Birders Guide to the Primary

Missouri's own Hermit Warbler Dick Gephardt has flown into the fray. His eyebrow coloration is dyed a darker shade of yellow to amplify his grasp of the issues. Fair or foul weather, this St. Louis Congressman will not seek reelection to his seat. Abruptly changing his liberal song, Gephardt voted hawkishly with the President on the Iraq war resolution to avoid being mistaken for, well, a chicken.

The front runner is that Magnificent Frigate bird Senator John Kerry. Demonstrating his formidable climbing abilities, the Frigate managed land as a mate the heiress Theresa Heinz (no sunflower seeds for the Senator; Heinz chick peas all the way). Evidently the Frigate's harsh guttural calls during courtship pleased Heinz. His immaculately coifed grey crest notwithstanding, Massachusetts is next door to New Hampshire and that, along with the financial backing of his wealthy mate makes him king of the roost.

Placid by nature, Senator Joseph Lieberman, our Vesper Sparrow, has little chance of gaining traction with his talons in this crowded field. With the exit of his fine feathered friend Al Gore, Lieberman is just another member of the flock. A rather bland bird, the Vesper is known to mount an exposed perch to sing . against the excesses of Hollywood. The slow and dry display call emitted by the Vesper has been known to induce slumber.

On the other end of the spectrum with regard to political voltage is the Reverend Al Sharpton, who resembles a Ruffled Grouse. What an unmistakable, pyrotechnical display of feathered splendor! That loud, musical chirping signals that Sharpton has expanded his territory. Despite being a favorite target among the hunting set, Sharpton is, indeed, a survivor. The large, grayish bird has iridescent plumage, but has little chance of survival in the ultra competitive New Hampshire. The media, like the hunters, consider a Ruffled Grouse like Sharpton simply delicious.

The ruddy Governor Howard Dean of Vermont is not unlike the Canvasback Duck, a dabbler in Presidential politics for years, he has decided to dive in headfirst in 2004. A gregarious bird and a strong flier, Dean has been briefly sighted nesting in the neighboring New Hampshire. The Governor is, however, most likely to paddle away at the first sign of danger. No matter how the odds are stacked, the Governor, like the Canvasback, seems to be making this flight for the sheer pleasure of doing so. Conventional wisdom: a short pursuit flight.

The dynamic Senator John Edwards of North Carolina is an attractive Magnolia Warbler. His mellifluous song - weeta, weeta, weeteo! - is not unlike the sound of an ambulance.

A young and inexperienced bird, it is not entirely clear if Edwards has even attained adult plumage yet. Florida's Senator Graham is a songbird looking for an Alpha-bird as a duet partner to sing alternate notes in a Presidential trill.

Coloradoan Gary Hart, that graceful Tundra Swan, with plumage now white, is waving his wings slowly, but it is not yet definite whether or not he will produce a formalized sequence of loud, melodious sounds and make a definite run for the Presidency. The conventional wisdom is that he will do well in New Hampshire as an outsider, but get his feathers ruffled in the Bible Belt.

Our sitting Golden Eagle-in-Chief, President George W Bush perches serenely above the fray. He is sharpening his talons in anticipation of a tasty meal of that Long Legged Buzzard Sadaam Hussein (Buteo buteo; a declining species). The Golden Eagle, however, has been altering his migratory path towards the Empire State. Could the President be looking to shore up New York even as Graham is looking to land the Veep spot? Stay tuned.

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Ron Mwangaguhunga
papermag@yahoo.com