"PED Heroes"

Bob Tufts

With apologies to Ray Davies, the Kinks and “Celluloid Heroes”

Everybody's a doper, now everybody's a star
And everybody's going deep, it doesn't matter who they are
There are home runs in every city
Over fences out onto streets
And if you read George Mitchell’s full report
Their names are in its sheets

Don't yell at Mark McGwire as you drive on past his gate
He looks so weak and fragile without andro and HgH
He became a baseball savior
Placed with Sosa on a throne
But he brain locked before Congress
And he’s now forced to be alone

You can see all the stars as you walk down BALCO Boulevard
Some that you recognize, some that you've hardly even heard of
People who worked and suffered and struggled for fame
Some who succeeded and some who injected in vain

Pitcher Roger Clemens looks very much alive
And he looks up ladies dresses as they sadly pass him by
Avoid angering Miguel Tejeda
'Cause he's liable to walk away
But stand close to Victor Conte
And his store right near the bay.

If he went through all your garbage
Jeff Novitzky would still search more
And if you checked out Andy Pettitte
He wouldn’t appear so pure
But please don't tread on Barry
'Cause he's not the only one
He should have stayed away from needles and pills
But he did what others had done

Everybody's a doper, now everybody's a star
And everyone's going deep, it doesn't matter who they are
And watch those who are successful
Be always on your guard
Success walks hand in hand with drugs
Along BALCO Boulevard

They wish their lives were a non-stop medical miracle
A fantasy world of more home runs and strikeouts
Because PED heroes never feel any pain