Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and The Fair Tax Proposal

Matthew Holmes

I know you're tempted not to read this article.

I know this because there is nothing (except maybe an all-night marathon of Al Gore documentaries) more mind-numbingly boring than reading an article about taxes.

Since my column on taxes is not competing as an alternative to "The Internet, Al Gore, & You," I must instead resort to begging each of you to indulge me for a brief moment of your time.

I always thought that only grumpy old men cared about taxes. I vividly remember many days during my childhood, watching my Dad—normally as cool as a cucumber—emerge red-faced from his office, grumbling under his breath about what the IRS could do with his Standardized Form 1040.

Like most members of Generation X, my only concern was how to go about obtaining my next pair of Air Jordan's, so I always chalked dear old Dad's anger up to being crotchety and old.

Then I graduated from college, got my first real job, and was rudely given a preview of what my first prostate exam will feel like twenty-five years from now, courtesy of the IRS.

Now each April I find myself resisting the urge to sit on the front porch and complain about taxes (in between yelling at the neighbors to "keep their dadgum dogs off my lawn and telling their kids to turn the music down.")

Tax time always leaves me feeling kind of violated, like I've just finished an annual one—night stand with the government, where they take my money, give me nothing in return, and then I wake up in the morning not respecting myself.

But this year, Georgia Congressman John Linder wants to change that.

Congressman Linder has introduced H.R 25, nicknamed "The Fair Tax Proposal," which would "repeal all corporate and individual income taxes, payroll taxes, self-employment taxes, capital gains taxes, estate taxes, and gift taxes - and replace it with a revenue-neutral personal consumption tax," according to his website.

It was initially called the "Snowball's Chance In Hell Act," but lawmakers felt that might be considered a little too negative.

In a nutshell, this bill would replace the current tax system with a 23% national sales tax, which would give taxpayers more control over how much they paid in taxes. If you spend more, you pay more.

According to Americans For Fair Taxation (http://fairtax.org), included in the bill is a rebate payment that would go to every American household to replace the sales tax paid on necessities. Those in poverty, the bill's proponents say, would effectively not pay any tax under the new system. They also estimate that prices for goods would fall some 20-30% because the cost of producing goods would no longer be taxed.

Under the bill, a person making a gross annual salary of $40,000 a year would bring home—get this—$40,000 a year. Linder's bill would also eliminate the Legalized Crime Division of the federal government (you might know them as the Internal Revenue Service).

Linder has dubbed the bill "The Fair Tax Proposal."

I, on the other hand, would join millions of crotchety old men everywhere in dubbing it "The Greatest Piece of Legislation Ever."

People from every political persuasion would win with the Fair Tax.

Conservatives and libertarians should be ecstatic because the Fair Tax would pry their money from the cold, dead hands of the federal government.

Conservatives could use the spare change to buy more military—style assault weapons. And libertarians, think about how much medical marijuana you could buy with all that extra loot!

If liberals were capable of happiness, they too could rejoice because the "rich" in this country would finally be forced to pay "their fair share." Just think about how much the executives at Halliburton would end up paying in taxes as they consume and plunder the Earth's resources!

Unfortunately, liberal happiness would be short-lived, once it was explained to them that abortions are not considered necessities and therefore, not immune from taxation.

Honestly, I'd like to believe passing the Fair Tax is possible.

I'd even go on the road with Congressman Linder to lobby for the Fair Tax Proposal—that is, if I could keep from laughing at the impossibility of it all. (I laugh to keep from crying.)

Of course, I also still believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and private retirement accounts for Social Security.

But while we're being delusional, I've given some thought as to what lengths I would go to get this bill passed in Congress, only to realize there’s not much I wouldn't do.

In the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism, I would offer help to displaced members of the IRS, by passing out maps to the nearest unemployment office.

I could be Ted Kennedy's designated driver.

I'd even play “Spin the Bottle” with Nancy Pelosi, knowing full well that a French kiss from San Fran Nan could be waiting for me at the end of every spin (it’s a disgusting thought I know, but French is the only way liberals do it these days.)

In the insanity brought on by having too much of my own money, I might even check the little box on next year's tax return to donate $3 to the political party of my choice.

These are just hints of the insanity the Fair Tax Proposal could cause.

Taxpayers of the world, unite! Join my army of angry, old, overtaxed men in contacting members of Congress to urge them to pass H.R. 25, The Fair Tax Proposal.

Just don't take it personally when your call or e-mail to Washington is met with bouts of hysterical laughter.

Thank you for indulging me in passing along Congressman Linder's gallant crusade for financial justice, and my personal attempt to unite with crotchety old men across the country.

I promise my next article will not be about the benefits of AARP or the terrific Early Bird Special at Golden Corral.

Matthew Holmes is a North Carolina based columnist. His articles have been featured in the North Carolina Conservative, ChronWatch.Com, World Net Daily.Com, News Max.Com, Opinion Editorials.Com, and other media outlets. He can be reached at blade729@msn.com or on the web at Wildfire Politics http://www.wildfirepolitics.com