Yanukovich Will Not Concede -- Calls in Gore’s Recount Team

Noel Sheppard

In a stunning example of how America’s effort to export its style of democracy around the world is succeeding, Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yanukovich, though the clear loser in the recent runoff election, has vowed to fight this battle all the way to his country’s Supreme Court. To increase his odds of stealing the election from the rightful winner, Viktor Yushchenko, Mr. Yanukovich has brought in former American Vice President Al Gore’s Florida recount team.

At a well-choreographed press conference in Kiev, Yanukovich introduced Bill Clinton’s Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, along with high-priced attorney, David Boies.

“We’re very pleased to be working together again,” said an obviously flattered Boies. “I’m confident that this time, a conservatively biased Supreme Court won’t interfere with the will of the people.”

Yanukovich apparently first approached former Secretary of State James Baker, as well as renowned attorney Ted Olson -- both of the Bush 2000 recount team -- to assist his efforts. “These guys won big in 2000. Clearly, they were the best!” stated an obviously disappointed Yanukovich.

Unfortunately, Yanukovich -- who is not used to loyalty in politics given the number of backers, co-workers, and opponents that he has allegedly had assassinated or poisoned -- didn’t understand why Baker and Olson would continue to be supportive of the man that they helped get elected. He was further confused by the concept that all because President Bush backed Yushchenko, those formerly associated with the president would as well.

“So these guys once worked for Bush, and Bush wanted my opponent to win. Who cares? In my country, rubles talk and amur dung walks!” said a visibly angered Yanukovich.

Having settled on the Gore team, Yanukovich also appears to be taking some advice from the proposed John Kerry recount strategy reported by AP [1] this past October:

"Sen. John Kerry has a simple strategy if the presidential race is in doubt on Nov. 3, the day after the election: Do not repeat Al Gore's mistakes. Unlike the former vice president, who lost a recount fight and the 2000 election, Kerry will be quick to declare victory on election night and begin defending it."

Yanukovich -- clearly a good student of how democracy works abroad -- apparently has learned well, as quoted in a recent Itar-Tass [2] report:

“We haven’t lost anything yet,” he said at a news conference here.

“I’ll never recognize defeat in this election, because the Constitution and human rights have been violated,” Yanukovich said.

That’s the spirit, Viktor. Of course, this battle appears to be a long and winding one for Mr. Yanukovich as discussed in another report [3] from Itar-Tass:

"It is impossible to say when the Ukrainian Central Electoral Commission can sum up official results of the presidential elections of December 26. The process may take indefinitely if the election staff of Viktor Yanukovich appeals to the Supreme Court, Ukrainian Justice Minister Alexander Lavrinovich told Itar-Tass on Tuesday."

Obviously, this was all fabulous news to Yanukovich’s recount team that is currently in the process of familiarizing itself with the complexities of Ukrainian voting laws, which, one would assume, are quite different than those in America.

Said a gleeful Mr. Christopher, “The beauty of their system here as compared to ours is the lack of press interference. From what we have witnessed so far, the Ukrainian press is nowhere near as nosy as ours in America. If we had as compliant a news media in November of 2000 -- as opposed to all the breathing down our necks we had to deal with back then, especially from those [expletive deleted] from Fox News -- we could have easily manufactured the votes necessary to steal the presidency from Mr. Bush.”

Added attorney Boies, “The other advantage we have here that we didn’t have in Florida is the ability to intimidate judges and election officials with threats of violence against them and their families. After what just happened with Viktor’s former transportation minister, and the chairman of the Ukrainian Credit Bank -- not to mention the allegations that Mr. Yushchenko was poisoned by former members of the KGB -- I’m sure that all those involved in this recount are going to be careful to watch their P’s and Q’s.”

Not to be excluded from this apparent battle for international voting liberties, American civil rights leader Jesse Jackson quickly offered his services to Yanukovich’s team. In a statement that sounded oddly reminiscent of a Michael Jackson ballad from the 70’s, the Reverend declared in a hastily put together press conference at Chicago’s O’hare Airport, “Wherever people are being disenfranchised, I’ll be there!”

Of course, it appears that the Reverend has been somewhat using the Ukraine recount as a fallback position if his efforts to manufacture enough votes for Senator Kerry in Ohio failed. As he stated in an op-ed [4] piece in the Chicago Sun-Times in late November:

"Ohio is this election year's Florida. The vote in Ohio decided the presidential race, but it was marred by intolerable, and often partisan, irregularities and discrepancies. U.S. citizens have as much reason as those in Kiev to be concerned that the fix was in."

Unfortunately, having failed to prove the existence of any such irregularities in Ohio, the Reverend set off to try and find them in the Ukraine.

When questioned why he would support Yanukovich over Yushchenko who is clearly a better friend to the West, Rev. Jackson responded, “If Bush likes Yushchenko, that’s all I need to know! Clearly, any candidate that President Bush would support is not only no friend of mine, but likely no friend to African-Americans in this region.”

In a peculiar yet telling denouement, when a reporter attending the press conference pointed out to the Reverend that there are practically no African-Americans living in the Ukraine, Rev. Jackson turned almost ashen, said, “I’m outy!” -- and hasn’t been heard from since.

[1] http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,136011,00.html
[2] http://www.itar-tass.com/eng/level2.html?NewsID=1604821&PageNum=0
[3] http://www.itar-tass.com/eng/level2.html?NewsID=1607869&PageNum=0
[4] http://www.suntimes.com/output/jesse/cst-edt-jesse30.html

Noel Sheppard is an economic and geopolitical analyst and writer residing in Northern California. Noel welcomes e-mail at slep@danvillebc.com.