The Two Johns: Final Destination?

Gregory Borse

In a surprise announcement, Al Gore’s cable channel has announced the cancellation of what he and other insiders had hoped would be a series to electrify the 18-24 year old voter demographic in the 2004 election. But as the election neared on November 2nd, industry watchers admitted candidly that the show, “The Two Johns,” about two multi-millionaire attorneys on a quest to wrest the White House from Republican control, had not found the right mix of hip humor, adolescent angst, and political pizzazz to wrest young viewers from such hits as “Pimp My Ride” and “The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.” Former Vice President Al Gore, who spoke briefly at the final press conference for the defunct series, gave a short speech that became increasingly animated: “We just thought that if kids had an alternative—to Fox News, to the Washington Times, to Rush Limbaugh; that if they could turn to the sage wisdom of the Al Frankens, the Michael Moores, and the Jeanine Garofalos—that they’d come to see the power of the media to shape presidential politics. Hell, I was writing about this in college--and that was before I invented the Internet, for criminy sake! We put our cameras in the hands of 18 to 24 year olds and told them ‘Let America see what you see.’ We wanted them to turn on, tune in, and drop IN—on politics: Well, they did. And, in the words of Hunter S. Thompson, ‘The little bastards let us down once again.’ Well, if you ask me, we just got punk’d!! YOU got punk’d!! AMERICA GOT PUNK’D!!!!”

After Mr. Gore stormed off the stage, the press was given a preview of the show’s final episode which, in honor of the delayed concession speech by the democratic nominee for the presidency, ALGORE TV will air one day after the inauguration of President George W. Bush to a second term.

John: “I told you we didn’t need to concede. I’m channeling babies right now—babies I tell you. Babies in Ohio, babies in New Mexico, babies in Wisconsin, in Iowa. You know what they’re saying? They’re saying, ‘We would have voted for you. Give us a voice. Give us a provisional ballot. We know we can’t write. You can fill it out for us—cause we would be for you if we were ever born! We’re the silenced majority! Don’t disenfranchise us! We are counting on you to make sure that our votes count and they are counted!’”

John: “You know, John, you just have no idea how warming that is, how generous, your love is, your affection, and I’m gratified by it.”

John: “Wha?”

John: “I wish that I could just wrap you up in my arms and embrace you, individually. Here, and all across the nation.”

Turns toward John, opening his arms.

John: “I mean it. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

John: (backing away) “Hey, wait a minute. Calm down, John. It’s okay, really. It’s cool. It’s cool. Every single one of those bills, uh, passed, you know? I mean, it’s cool and everything, but. . . . What did the judges in Massachusetts say again?”

John: “I will always be particularly grateful to you, John. My partner.”

John: “Hey, there’s your wife!”

John: “Oh. Uh. Hello, dear. How are you feeling? Did you get some Nuprin?”

Theresa: “Shove it.”

John: “And that reminds me. We really ought to be grateful to our families, who have stood beside us every step of the way. Like my stepson here, who stood boldly forth to speak the truth to the American people. Was brave enough not to shy away from the truth!—would not mislead. Told it like it is! That was very brave.”

Chris: “I can’t believe you lost to a coke-head!”

John: “Now. Now. I’ve been known to do a few woofers and tweeters in my time too. Really should have helped us to connect with that MTV crowd. They say that all that stuff messes with your mind after awhile. Well, I just guess this is proof.”

John: “Well, that’s no reason to disenfranchise anyone. You know? I mean, we had a plan for all those kids—if we could have just got them to get off their couches, put down their cheeto’s and get their sorry butts to the polls!”

John: “Still, we wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without each other, John. You know that, I just want to tell you how much . . .”

John: “Hey! There’s your wife!”

John: “Is there something you need? Maybe a toddy. Can I get you something for your feet?”

Theresa: “Why don’t you go get me some gin and some raisons. Now.”

Turning to John.

Theresa: “I can’t believe I married a second politician. I can’t believe I married a first politician. He wasn’t one when we met. I can’t believe my family left Africa and came to this country. I can’t believe I live in America, I can’t believe I ever even married an American. And I can’t believe we’re embarked on this journey.”

John: “But that’s the point. We’re on a journey. A journey of two Americas. And the second America has been cast aside by the first America. But we haven’t lost. I’m channeling—CHANNELING, I tell you! The babies! In Iowa, in Wisconsin, in New Mexico! Who better to represent those voices than a couple of lawyers?!!?”

Theresa: “Oh, you silly little man. Sit down. Let a real woman tell you something for once. A lot of people are not used to a dame, a lady or something to have opinions. You get all upset—your hair is getting mussed. Here is my compact. Fix it.”

John: “Gee, thanks.”

Theresa: “Who needs Arizona? Who needs America? Let John McCain worry about New Mexico. Let him talk to those little brown people. Who needs them? Have any of them ever had a real job? And who is qualified to be the president of the United States anyway? I mean, are you qualified to run the world? Not run it, but have that influence? No, nobody is.”

John: “How’s that?”

Theresa: “Much better. Now stop touching it.”

John: “Okay. Hey! John’s back!”

Theresa: “Wonderful.”

John: “Here you are dear, Blue Sapphire. Raisons—white.”

Theresa: “Oh John, shove the raisons. Give me the gin. You are an idiot.”

John: “Now, Theresa. I told you: I’d been drinking before I took that aptitude test.”

Theresa: “I don’t care. I’m going to have the help drive me back to the mansion in the SUV. I feel my saphartic duodenum beginning to swell. You can get a driver. Tomorrow I leave for Mozambique. Please have an attorney split up the company in the Caymans—this boy, he could do it.”

John: “Sure! Hey, here’s your compact back.”

Theresa: “Shove it.”

John: “You see, John? That’s why we have to stick together. For each other. For America. There are still two Americas. There is still deep division, but by our example, we can heal that division. You are I. Because there are bigger things here, John. You mind if I take off my jacket? Yes. Bigger things—protractedly bigger things. And we can soothe them. Heal them. As partners—in a very real, and legally binding sense.”

John: “Yeah. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ve got some plans of my own. You need to talk to Terry about that, maybe. Or Howard. You should call him. See ya!”

John: “You know. I will do that. I will call him. I . . . I will. Call him. Now—where did I put my cell-phone?”

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Mr. Borse holds a Ph.D. in English from Louisiana State University. He is an assistant Professor of English at a two year college in north central Indiana. He is married with four children--two girls and two boys. Interests include media, culture, politics, literature, philosophy, and disc-golf. His articles also appear periodically at ChronWatch.com and TheRant.us.

gregorbo@peoplepc.com