Goodbye, Grandpa Joe

Matt Grills

How on earth did I end up feeling sorry for Joe Lieberman?

The man ran for vice president on RoboGore’s ticket in 2000. He willingly opted to spend weeks, months even, in the company of The President Who Never Was, Thanks to All That is Holy. He allowed Gore to give him bear hugs during their campaign rallies. Ick, ack and uck.

Trespasses notwithstanding, I confess that my heart went out to Joe after his miserable showing in the New Hampshire primary. Much like the athletically inept boy neither baseball team wants, Joe’s an outsider looking in. His candidacy is doomed. You can’t help but feel embarrassed for him.

I shouldn’t, I know. Looking over his Senate record is as uplifting as watching “The Elephant Man.” Lieberman has a 100-percent rating from NARAL for protecting a woman’s right to end the life a baby who didn’t have the opportunity to choose what womb in which to grow. He has “led the fight” against hate crimes, which we all should know don’t need their own special set of laws – you don’t have “bad” crimes and “super-duper-extra-ultra-bad” crimes. And Joe has done his part in delaying votes for Bush judicial nominees who have “extreme right-wing” – i.e., coherent – views.

We gong Joey on each of these performances. Yet I do not find myself wanting to slap him with a fish, a secret fantasy I harbor about every other Democrat save Zell Miller. Actually, in my mind’s eye, I can see myself enjoying a fireside chat with Joe, or perhaps asking his advice on what sort of loafers are more comfortable.

The trouble with Lieberman is that he’s so darn likable. Referring to him by his last name, rather than just “Joe,” seems awkward. Yes, I believe electing him president would be a disaster of unmitigated proportions. But for a Democratic presidential option he seems so ... decent.

I suppose my fondness for Joe comes out of some sick desire to see a Democratic Party grounded in reality, though the past 50 years are reason enough to write off that possibility. If a Democrat must be in the White House, it helps when he’s consistent in his beliefs rather than a man who bases his decisions on whether he’s had oral sex that day.

Certainly Joe doesn’t have an “inner conservative” screaming to get out. But he does show signs of life when it comes to some issues. He has been quoted as liking the ideas of missile defense, school vouchers, tort reform and privatizing Social Security. And who can forget his brave condemnation of Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky? Lieberman is not afraid to stand with his Republican counterparts when he knows it’s the moral and practical thing to do.

Compare him to the duplicitous John Kerry, who always appears as if he’s one heartbeat from a coma. Or the nasty Howard Dean, who doesn’t even pretend to want to share the sandbox with anyone else. Or the Jughead-esque John Edwards, whose claims to represent the interests of middle-class Americans are laughable. One pictures him hiding stacks of cash in his bedroom bureau and under his bathroom sink, mumbling, “Rich? I’m not rich. I’m just an average guy making his way in today’s America.”

Joe works for the Democrats, the party of madness and chaos and teeth-grinding idiocy. But you have to give him credit for truly believing in the positions and policies he advocates. Most of Lieberman’s peers don’t seem too sure what they believe until they hear what Republicans want. They then support the exact opposite. Few would be surprised if they all dropped dead were the DNC tower to suddenly cease transmitting.

In the final daze before a contentious presidential election, it’s been refreshing to see Joe distinguish himself from the pack by genuinely supporting our nation’s actions in Iraq and applauding the capture of Saddam Hussein. For that, I salute him.

As the Democrats prepare to snuff out Lieberman’s torch, it’s only right that we lift a cup o’ joe in respect. Joe, you fought hard and beat Carol Moseley Braun and Dennis Kucinich – that’s always fun. But let’s face it: you’re not the drone they’re looking for.

###

Matt Grills is a writer and conservative activist living in Indianapolis, where he works for a nonprofit organization. In 1997, he earned a bachelor's degree in religious studies from Olivet Nazarene University in Bourbonnais, Ill. He has written for a handful of Hoosier newspapers and is a member of the Indiana Leadership Forum, a program that encourages emerging community leaders to increase their involvement in the Republican Party.
darthgrills@hotmail.com