Here, Cripple! Here, Cripple!

Matt Grills

John Kerry’s presidential campaign makes me want to start smoking. The campaign of John Edwards, on the other hand, is causing me to laugh to the point of losing all bladder control.

The Democratic “hottie” spoke in Rochester, N.Y., on Sunday night, and this particular performance gave Edwards another chance to shoot himself in the proverbial foot. He must have been taking a cue from the infamous “Dean scream,” because Edwards clearly bypassed the ordinary handgun in favor of a semiautomatic.

We can forgive him for not having an interpreter in Rochester, a city with an active deaf community. After all, this man and his entourage are busy; I expect that feathering Edwards’ hair just so requires a team effort on the part of his staff. Or maybe he wasn’t informed about Rochester’s demographics, too absorbed in chanting “Mirror, mirror” to get the 411 on the stop.

We also should excuse Edwards’ speech, which apparently didn’t address disability rights in any way, shape or form. Again, his good looks are probably to blame for this oversight. An hour tailoring his speech to a new location is an hour that could be better spent in the makeup chair.

You do know that Edwards gives the same speech everywhere he goes, right? He knows that if you hear something enough, it eventually starts to sound good – kind of like country music. So he says the same stuff over and over in the hope of desensitizing people to the stupidity of his platform. This explains how Democrats come to power at the local, state and federal levels.

Edwards’ big misstep is one that should go down in the history of Democratic blunders, as laughable as Al Gore’s claim to inventing the Internet and as shocking as Hillary’s oft-quoted slip, “We are the president.” In his pre-speech round of handshakes, during which his boyish charm and handsome face are intended to disarm the crowd, Edwards greeted a couple of women in wheelchairs by ... patting them on their heads.

“It seems that Sen. Edwards lacks disability etiquette,” said Debbie Bonomo, who has cerebral palsy, in a Center for Disability Rights news release. “Just because I am a woman who uses a wheelchair does not mean anyone should be patting me on the head. That is so 1950s.”

Go, Debbie. Go, Debbie. Whooop whooop. Whooop whooop.

I’m not sure how Edwards could have come across as more insensitive, except by including a few Special Olympics jokes in his speech. One pictures him getting down on one knee, motioning toward the women in wheelchairs and slapping his thigh in enthusiasm: “C’mere, girls! C’mere!”

It’s hard for anyone to avoid being caught in a moment of insensitivity toward another group of people. But the Democrats pride themselves on being more sensitive to the needs of others than us prejudiced, backward, slavery-loving, senior-hating, mean-spirited Republicans. How could this happen? Did Edwards fail his “Sensitivity 101” class at Democrat campaign school? This is the kind of thing the other side is supposed to be caught doing.

If John Kerry is in love with his status as war hero, Edwards suffers from “prom-king syndrome.” You know the type – those guys who honestly believe they are better than everyone else. They aren’t at all sure how to deal with those of us who don’t have nice hair, nice teeth and nice smiles.

Don’t confuse the prom kings with the insecure guys, the ones who make fun of the unpopular kids because it makes them feel better about themselves. The prom kings typically don’t make fun of anyone. See, it’s not nice to make fun of people who can’t help the fact that they were born with physical challenges or, worse, were born without good looks.

The prom kings feel just plain sorry for these folks. They click their tongues, shake their heads and, like a young child, turn to their parents with wide eyes and ask, “Did you see that man without legs? Isn’t that terrible? I just don’t know what I’d do without my legs. I simply can’t imagine ever being in a wheelchair.”

Advocates for the disabled asked several of Edwards’ staff members if an interpreter would be available to sign for the deaf in attendance. The answer: “No.” But the senator would have private photos and a brief conversation with them after the rally, they said. Um, OK. But can we get an interpreter?

I imagine Edwards being pulled aside by an aide, who whispers in his ear. “Come again?” he shouts over the applause of the crowd. “People who can’t hear me? What do you mean? They’re deaf? Really? No kidding. Well, I’ll be darned. Should I talk really loud? Can they read it if I write out ‘hello’ on a piece of paper?”

Edwards spokesman Colin Van Ostern said it all after the event, explaining Edwards’ gaffe: “I’m sure his interaction with them was meant to be respectful.”

His “interaction” with “them”? As if people with disabilities are zoo animals you can pet. “Oh, look at this cute little lady in a wheelchair! Maybe if I feed her some popcorn she’ll tell me how I can get her vote.”

Despicable.

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Matt Grills is a writer and conservative activist living in Indianapolis, where he works for a nonprofit organization. In 1997, he earned a bachelor's degree in religious studies from Olivet Nazarene University in Bourbonnais, Ill. He has written for a handful of Hoosier newspapers and is a member of the Indiana Leadership Forum, a program that encourages emerging community leaders to increase their involvement in the Republican Party.
darthgrills@hotmail.com