I Refuse to Go On the Pill

Matt Grills

To men, the idea of our own birth-control pill is about as cool as nonalcoholic beer.

Randy single men might embrace this invention, as it offers to prevent fatherhood before they’re ready for it. It also makes them look responsible and considerate, qualities that women find attractive. But who cares what the gigolo thinks?

I’ll speak for married men and say that we don’t want to take “the pill.” We shouldn’t have to take it. Women, whether they’ll admit it or not, want to be in complete control of family planning. Not because it involves children but because, in my experience, they want to be in complete control of everything.

It’s like cooking, laundry, ironing, changing diapers or anything else most ordinary guys hate to do. We try our hand at it, and our wives point out, as kindly as they can, that we aren’t doing it quite right. They offer tips, and we try again. They sigh and end up finishing the job themselves. Like I said, women want to be in charge of these tasks because they’re usually more proficient at them. They just let men have a shot once in a while to remind us how much we depend on them. It’s not like we tell them ourselves.

Look at male birth control from this perspective. As with household chores, men will not voluntarily take the burden of family planning upon themselves. We’re inconvenienced simply crossing the room for the remote control, so I really don’t see us going to our wives and saying, “Honey, I’ve been thinking that I’d like to take the pill. You shouldn’t have to bear that responsibility.”

Men don’t even make appointments to see their doctors until their wives threaten to cancel cable or pitch the golf clubs. In fact, the only reason we pay attention to our bodies at all is to keep them primed for sex and sports. You tell me if you think we’d be excited to take a pill that would cause side effects and lower our sperm count to zero.

That’s right, guys. Zero. Zip. Nada. Men may not want to admit it, but that’s an unappealing concept. Not wanting to have children doesn’t mean we like the idea of not being able to reproduce at will. Yep, it’s called ego. We take pride in our sperm. I remember in college, back when fathering children wasn’t even on my radar screen, a rumor floated around my dormitory about Mountain Dew lowering sperm counts. All the guys on my floor stopped drinking it. We didn’t want kids, but we wanted to know that we could make babies if we felt like it.

Then there was the friend who didn’t heed my warnings and messed around with a girl. She became pregnant. Sure, he was shocked. He didn’t know what they’d do. But you could hear the satisfaction in his voice when he said, “It only happened once, and she’s pregnant. Wow.” The only thing missing was Tarzan chest-pounding. Twisted, I know. For whatever reason, guys take immense pride in their reproductive capabilities.

Men don’t want to take the pill because we’re arrogant pigs. We’re also forgetful. Birth control must be taken daily to remain effective. Men are not this conscientious about anything save season schedules of their favorite teams. We don’t respond well to nagging, and that’s what would be necessary to get men to take a pill.

Male birth control is not the watershed being touted. Men in their right minds won’t want to take it. And show me any woman who will trust her man with that kind of responsibility, knowing she could end up pregnant if he forgets to take one pill or get an implant. Women understand that if family planning works, they’re the ones to thank.

And keep in mind that men aren’t complete idiots. We know that one accident is all that’s required to get us off birth control and our wives back on it. We “forget” to take it once and a pregnancy results. Like a man who folds a towel wrong or burns dinner three nights in a row, we’re now exempt for all time. Any guy who denies ever playing dumb like this is a big fat liar.

Next thing you know, men will be expected to carry the babies, go through labor, give birth and breastfeed. Guys, we’re going to have to draw the line here. Male birth control is an idea whose time has definitely not come.

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Matt Grills is a writer and conservative activist living in Indianapolis, where he works for a nonprofit organization. In 1997, he earned a bachelor's degree in religious studies from Olivet Nazarene University in Bourbonnais, Ill. He has written for a handful of Hoosier newspapers and is a member of the Indiana Leadership Forum, a program that encourages emerging community leaders to increase their involvement in the Republican Party.
darthgrills@hotmail.com