Popcorn, Portraits and Percentages: The Week in Review

Matt Grills

Reading between the lines, we present this week's news:

* When Al Sharpton calls a film “epic,” you know it sucks. Following in the grand tradition of Al Gore, who gave his kiss-of-death endorsement to vapid environmentalist snuff film “The Day After Tomorrow,” Sharpton is singing the praises of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11.” The film is doing exactly what its fat filmmaker intended it to do: convince Americans too lazy to learn the truth that Bush stole the 2000 election, ignored terror warnings before Sept. 11, and milked the attacks in order to put fear in our hearts and get support for war in Iraq. Moore’s most irritating comment to date? “I will make myself available to show this at the White House anytime he wants to see it” – as if Moore is busier than the leader of the free world. “I’ll bring the popcorn,” he snidely adds. I doubt he’d share, but we can hope.

* I understand that President Bush is a amiable fellow, not given to unkind remarks and nasty politics. But did he have to give such effusive praise to the Clintons at the Terrible Twosome’s portrait unveiling at the White House? “Bill Clinton showed incredible energy and great personal appeal,” Bush said during the ceremony. “As chief executive, he showed a deep and far-ranging knowledge of public policy, a great compassion for people in need, and the forward-looking spirit that Americans like in a president.” His rise from humble beginnings “took more than charm and intellect. It took hard work and drive and determination and optimism.” And lots of empty promises. And lots of Barbra Streisand fund-raisers. And praying for the silence of women procured by Arkansas state troopers. OK, OK, I have to hand it to Bush for being gracious. But wouldn’t it have been great if he’d looked at the Clintons and said, “Hey, these portraits are going to stay at the White House, right? You’re not going to take them too, are you?”

* A Canadian Community Health Survey has revealed that 1 percent of Canadians are homosexual. Canada’s gay community disagrees, saying the number is actually somewhere between 5 percent and 10 percent of the population. This estimate is no surprise, since gays and lesbians want everyone else to be gay and lesbian. First they wanted recognition. Then they wanted TV shows and movies about them. Now they want marriage rights. Can forced conversions to homosexuality be far behind? I suppose this 1-percent figure is good news. You’d like to think Canada would realize the folly of changing the institution of marriage for such a tiny fraction of people. But, of course, Canada will realize no such thing, playing along merrily.

* In an interview with a sympathetic Dan Rather, Bill Clinton admits that his affair with Monica Lewinsky put him “in the doghouse” with Hillary. “In the doghouse”? Bill, husbands find themselves “in the doghouse” when they leave the toilet seat up, drink directly out of the milk carton, break wind in bed or commit any other number of household crimes. Of course, all this depends upon Hillary reacting as any normal wife would upon learning about her husband’s mistress, “gulping for air” as you confessed. Never mind.

* Madonna reveals on tonight’s “20/20” that she has adopted the ancient Hebrew name Esther. Presumably, this has something to do with the ridiculous Kabbalah fad she’s been into for years. For the uneducated and all those living outside Hollywood, Kabbalah is Jewish mysticism. And to illustrate how little Kabbalah has in common with Judaism, note that it is quickly becoming known as “crap-balah.” Anyway, Madonna says she wanted to attach herself to the “energy of a different name.” Hasn’t she already disgraced the name “Madonna”? Apparently ruining one moniker isn’t good enough for this aging, sleazy pop star.

* Shell Oil chairman Ron Oxburgh says the threat of climate change makes him “really very worried for the planet.” We need to capture carbon dioxide emissions, Oxburgh says, and store them underground. Sound the alarm. Global warming is killing us. Augh. You know, Ron, I’m worried about the planet too. All this conjecture, all these theories without fact, all this panic over something that may not be happening – well, it’s manure. And it’s polluting the airwaves. We may need to store you underground, along with Al Gore and all the other environmentalists. For the planet’s safety. You understand?

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Matt Grills is a writer and conservative activist living in Indianapolis, where he works for a nonprofit organization. In 1997, he earned a bachelor's degree in religious studies from Olivet Nazarene University in Bourbonnais, Ill. He has written for a handful of Hoosier newspapers and is a member of the Indiana Leadership Forum, a program that encourages emerging community leaders to increase their involvement in the Republican Party.

darthgrills@hotmail.com